I watched Dear John tonight in the theatre. I thought it was an okay movie. I did get some tears, and it didn't exactly end how I thought it would. I felt as though the movie was left unfinished, and I thought they could have made it a lot better!

During the movie the main characters kept sending letters to each other. All I could think of was my dad. How it'll be six years in August since we spoke. I really need closure. I think that would be the only way I could move on with my life and stop thinking about him constantly. He is never responded to any of my efforts to talk. So I think I will send him one final letter. And tell him if he doesn't respond its over. Our relationship is finished from here on. And if he would like to see me, then he needs to respond. I'm sick of trying and being rejected by him, when he is the one who made all the mistaked and made my life difficult.

The Arrangment

           The gold embroidered colours of silk were draped upon the pillars.   

There were hundreds of people, many of whom she did not know. She walked

with an assembly of family members up to the mandaap. Her pulse was racing.

She wanted run away and never come back.

           His feelings were a mixture between contentment and bliss. He was extremely happy that this stunning woman was committing to spend the rest  of her like with him. Even though they had never met, he had a feeling in his heart that it would work. Maybe not at first, but slowly they would learn to love each other. Just looking into her eyes reassured him.

          When she was a little girl, she always noticed that Indian brides were sad.

As they would walk down the aisle, their gaze would be fixed upon the ground.

Without even the slightest hint of a smile on their faces and usually with tears

in their eyes. She always told herself that she would be one of the happy ones.

The one that was smiling from ear to ear, but still beautiful and untainted. How

could she be happy marrying a man she didn’t even know. She couldn’t even

back out of it because her whole family would feel the embarrassment that it

would cause. And she would never be looked at the same way again.

          Her name was Mona. They spoke for the first time after the wedding. Her voice was that of an angel. They basically introduced themselves, their

interests and where they wanted to go from there. He was happy to learn that

she wanted to make their marriage work almost as much as he did.

          She talked to Kaash for the first time that night. He wasn’t a bad guy, it

was just her that was unsure. She couldn’t get her head around the fact that she

was forced to marry a man who she hadn’t spoken two words to until after the

wedding. She didn’t want this marriage to work. She actually wanted it to end

just as fast as it had started, but there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t

let her family down and she didn’t want to break his heart. She felt trapped in a

loveless marriage pretending to be happy.

           Kaash loved Mona with all his heart. To him, them being together felt

very right, but slowly, day by day, he figure out that Mona did not feel the same

way. Instead of disappearing, her resentment for him seemed to grow stronger

and stronger every day. It also became apparent that Mona always had an

excuse for everything. She was coming home later every night and seemed to

have a million excuses not to get close to Kaash.

          For Mona, this marriage was like a game. She wanted to cheat her way

out of it the fastest. He was like the safe zone for her. She could be with as

many men as she wanted and even though he knew, he would still do anything

for her.

           Kaash was getting angrier and angrier by the day. He knew Mona was

having an affair. And even after confronting her about it, she acted as if it was

no big deal. She would promise to stop, but then Kaash would find her back at

it a week later. He was turning into a different man. A man made of anger who

would do anything to make his wife his and only his.

           Mona didn’t have a care in the world for her husband. She did what she

wanted when she wanted. Never taking his feelings into consideration.

           Kaash was getting fed up now. He did everything for his wife. He

cooked and cleaned. He provided her with everything she wanted and she

didn’t even have a job. All that he asked for in return was respect. He hoped

that one day that respect could turn into love, but he knew they had to start

somewhere. It seemed as though Mona did not know what respect was. If she

did, she would have told him how she felt instead of cheating on him. Kaash

couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the cold loveless eyes that stared

back at him every night. He couldn’t take the way everyone spoke about her.

He couldn’t take the fact that she wasn’t only his. If he couldn’t have her then

no one could.

            After all the guilt and frustration building up inside of her, Mona felt it

was finally time to talk to her husband. It was time to talk seriously about their

relationship. They both needed to stop pretending. It was time to stop living

this lie. She had gotten over the fear of what would happen to her family if she

left Kaash. After all, it was her life not theirs. When Mona got home that night,

she got into the shower with ideas of the future in her mind. She knew what

she had to do.

           Kaash drove home from work filled with rage. Everything was getting to him now. The neighbour’s dog barking loudly at him, the neighbourhood kids playing hockey in the middle of the street not moving for the honking cars. Kaash entered his house. Leaving the door open, he raced up the stairs, not looking back even once. As he entered the bathroom, palms sticky with sweat, he glanced at the stranger in the mirror. He then turned to face Mona. No words were exchanged. All that was left was to pull the trigger.

I found this on some guy's nexopia, under dislikes:

-most hindus and when hindus have nexopia pages,they always have to put up some sort of sikh or muslim or brown pride bullshit and nobody cares but when a caucasian person puts a white pride image on their page..(as i have myself) some people say I'm racist but really hindu's in schools today are the real racists.It's come to a point where now the minority is being racist towards the majority(white/caucasian) and pretty soon white people and our race will be close to deminished in this part of Canada and others.Scary thought isn't it...so if we know that we are going to be overpopulated with hindus,why let them take over early,fuck that. I might sound racist and like a white supremicist would talk,but i do believe in equal rights for everyone and special treatment for noone,but it's very hard when hindus can get away with so much shit.I was pondering one day about how there will be a time to come where vancouver/bc will be completely overan and ruled by dirty puns.Then i thought about it what it's like currently and i thought well when they start getting into the government you know it's starting to happen, then i realized that the grewal family is already involved in our local politics.I remembered this as i drove down the highway seeing all of the election signs for gurmant grewal,diane grewal,jarheef grewal or w/e the fuck their names are and then i said fuck,they are already on their way to taken over.It's a bad thing because of the dirty,slimy,cheap ways of the hindu culture and what they think is right, which is really just wrong.Think about it for awhile and observe kids at school,the news,politics,newspaper and you will see that the hindus are causing problems and trying to take over.If you live in Cloverdale and you don't like my opinion then your probably a hindu yourself,or a hindu lover.

________________________________________________

I cannot believe that someone would write this! Usually when I see things like this I just brush it off. But for some reason I found this and it really angered me. I am Hindu myself..and what this guy wrote disgusts me. He is saying that all brown people are Hindus which isn't true.. there are muslims, sikhs, hindus and a lot of other cultures to be referred to as brown. He needs to get his research done. Also he says that you know that hindus are taking over when the grewals are in politics..THE GREWALS AREN;T EVEN HINDU!! shows what he knows...I'm just really amazed that someone could live in Surrey and think this.. and he says that he;s not racist..ya right. I can't believe people today. 

By the way, his nexopia is: T-royM

I don't really know where to start with this. It's really on going. And I told you the just of it when I was in Chetwynd, but no I didn't tell you everything. I hate doing this to you because you have a baby and a new job and you're moving out....why would you want to listen to a bunch of stupid problems from a sixteen year old right? But I guess I have to tell someone. I can never talk to my friends about all this..they just can't relate at all. So they have no idea what to say even if I do tell them something. Ok, right the begining. Umm shall I start with my dad? it's the same old story, ya I miss him. Tons and Tons. It's just stupid because he was never really there for me to miss. Well, as far as I can remember anyways.. The only thing I remember is I guess I was daddy's little girl. He was my favourite. I remember when my mom told me they were getting divourced. She picked me up from dance and she just said it straight up..who do you want to live with?? like come on I was seven, what was I supposed to say seriously. Obviously I said I would go whereever Jermaine went, I would never want to be seperated from him. Deep inside I wanted to say my dad though for sure. I loved him and he was my favourite. I still wonder now, what would life be like if I had gone to live with him... Would I be getting good grades? Would I be happy? Would I even miss my mother? that's a rough one to say..but you never know right. So,, like I was saying memories of my dad..would have to be the friday nights that my mom would come and sleep beside me..and Jermaine would be on the top bunk, and she would cry. Cry and cry, the whole time we could hear my dad, so drunk just knocking stuff over and swearing. And I know she was terrified..terrified that he would hurt us or her. But I know he never did hurt us...well physically anyways.. emotionaly is a whole other story. I remember that and just him never really being around. The weekends when mom would sit around and watch t.v. and he would be gone..god knows where. I guess the bottom line is the memories aren't good. In the begining we made an effort to see him. Every second weekend I think it was. But then he had to go and do something stupid..like stealing Jermaines key while he was at his house..then breaking in on mom and hitting her. Funny how I remember all this. I will never forget the little details of everything... So then that happened. Then I remember one day..my dad sent us a really nasty letter.. telling us to go to hell and stuff..all I know is that my mom and Jermaine wouldn't let me read the whole thing. Too young I guess. And it made them cry.Even Jermaine cried. That was scary. Then I don;t remember why but I started visiting dad again. It was all good at first. But then Whenver I would go to his house he would leave. He would never be there. And when I went there he had changed so much. Out of his bad habits. Then you know..he got married. That hurt the most. I don't know why. It didn't hurt as much when mom got married...but with dad it killed. Just knowing that he was starting over..I mean how can you do that? How can you marry and woman and have kids ..then just throw it all away..and start over..and pretend like it never happened. And I  saw his kid. I saw them when I used to visit.. I saw the way he was with his son. And it hurt me so bad. Why wasn;t he like that with us? Were we that bad? He stopped drinking, he stopped going out so much. everything. His son was the world to him.. and I couldn't handle seeing that. Why didn;t he do it with us? why not? I cry myself to sleep everyday because I miss him so much. And I don't know why. why, why, why. I don;t want to. I hate him so much at the same time..He's a bastard and he doesnt deserve to be happy. He has ruined our lives. I will never be happy. And he started over again like nothing happened. I can' even describe how much it hurts me. Sometimes I tell myself I wish he was dead, because that way I could pretend like he wanted to see me, but right now I know he doesn't want to. I remember when he had his heart attack..I think his third. I heard from "the street" that hurt. I cried a lot. Then I phoned his house, his wife lied...and said he wasn;t there. When really he was. He just didn;t want to talk to us. He told my cousin he didn;t want us to come there and be a part of his life. Funny thing, he told my brother that he told me and my brother yelled at me. But I didn;t tell him the truth, because I know he would have been so choked. I tried to call dad from time to time. It was weird. We'd be on the phone and there would be long silent pauses because we didn;t know what to talk about. Now that's sad. After awhile I just stopped calling. He never ever once made an attempt to call. We even gave Jermaine;s cell number so he wouldn;t have to talk to mom. But he still didn;t call. We pretty much got the hint. Then I had to get my passport signed by him. I phoned him at least 20 times within 2 days..he never returned my calls. When I did get a hold of him...he was the rudest person ever on the phone. I haven't talked to him since..it's been about two years I think. I give up. It;s a waste of my time..and a diss to my face whenever I try. You know I can;t even handle christmas anymore.. or christmas eve for that matter. On christmas eve I tried to sleep and I couldn;t I cried all night long. Because I wished my dad was here. Fathers day is the worst for me every year. This year I did not say happy fathers day to one person. and my mom flipped on me. she flipped on me because I didn;t say it to rob. She doesn;t understand that fact that I didn;t say it to anyone. Because it hurts. I didn;t want to say it to anyone but my dad and I couldnt do that. So I just didn;t say it to anyone. I know I should phone my dad and tell him everything I'm feeling..But that would be like embarrasment. You know how fijian people are.. He;ll laugh at my face and he'll tell everyone what a terrible job my mom has done raising me. My mom, I guess we could move on to that topic. Ya I know she has done a lot for me. But she doesn;t let me forget it. Everytime we fight(which is a lot) she tells me how she did soo much. She doesn;t understand the meaning of emotional abuse. I will never forget the things my mother has said to me. I;m scarred. I remember when I was like 8 or 9 and she used to get mad at my brother and say she was gonna go kill herself and she would take off...for like hours.. and Jermaine would always take off too...So I would sit at home alone wondering who was gonna come home that night. Sometimes she would take me with her. Driving madly to the bridge. It scared the shit out of me. I remember this past July the whole fathers day fiasco. She came in my room screaming..and pushing me .. simply because I didn;t say happy fathers day to rob. She went fuckin crazy. Telling me I'm stubborn just like my father..and I will never amount to anything in life.. So I should go and live with him and his brothers. She told me she couldn;t handle me and that she was gonna go call him right now. Crazy I tell you. Then she went into the whole "Ditch" thing.. Saying "oh you don't know what you said to me" and I'm like thats right I don;t know!! so why don;t you tell me? Of course she didn't. Then the next morning she dropped me to school and told me I need counselling. I NEED COUNSELLING??!?! the only reason I would need counselling is because of all the shit she says to me. I didn;t say anything back I just got out of the car. I went to school and I drank, because I didn;t know what else to do. Last november I went to shivani's birthday party and yes I had been drinking. my mom lied and told me that shivani's dad told her that I was the one who threw up everywhere... When really he didn;t so she lied..and Of course I fessed up. Once again she threw the ditch line at me and told me I was a terrible person and that...she knew that her boy would do this to her but she never expected her daughter to do it. You know she preaches so much about how lieing in bad.. But she is a freakin lieing machine I tell you. She;s the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. We always fight and its the same story over...Everytime I used to try and talk to her and tell her how I was feeling..she would start crying herself..and saying that everything bad in my life is her fault..and she;s a terrible mother and she;s ked a terrible life.. basically blames the whole thing on herself.. what am I supposed to say to that? So I just shutup like usual. When I told her That I used to cut myself she sais it was her fault. figures eh. So no one can say that I never try to talk to her..because I did..and she doesn;t know how to listen. um next subject? Rob, ya so I just pretty much hate him with a passion. He was the biggest bitch to my brother. One time my mom wasnt home and my brother came home late and rob just went crazy and started swearing at jermaine..saying fuck you and all this shit. Also another time he caused a fight with jermaine and started pushing him but Jermaine was the bigger person and left. That's why Jermaine was never home. I started feeling like this when we moved into that town house. I was going absolutely mad. I still am actually. Then there;s Chetwynd. I did so much fucked up shit there....I won't even open that can of worms. all this stuff that I regret so much. I just went there and I said screw the world. Who even cares anymore about anything my life couldn't possibly get any worse. So I went crazy and did crazy things...and I Regret it all so much now. But I can;t take it back.. and i just have to live with it all. Hahah actually its funny because I remember when my brother moved out I said my life can;t get any worse..then I moved to Chetwynd. I think that qualifies as worse.

i DUNNO im just messed I guess. I feel so useless. Really what is the point of me even being alive? I am not doing anything for anyone. I suck and I know it. I can;t even get good grades in school. You know I see you guys...like all the cousins and stuff.. and how well you are doing in school and stuff. and it makes me so sad.. because Jermaine didn;t do well..and i know im not going to either. I have terrible self-esteem as you can tell. And I know I will never amount to anything in life. I know it. And I just don;t know what to do. I'm not happy. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. Everthing is so crazy righ now. I feel so worthless. You know, my mom tells me all the time.. how when she was in highschool she was thin and pretty, and the top of her class, and nani loved her. and I don't have any of those things. and I know I;m like the worst daughter ever. Me and Jermaine just fucked up kids,. I really feel sorry for my mom. Jermaine, I miss him. I don;t know why but I do. You know I remember like this past summer.. he was drunk and he told me that he would never have started drugdealing if my dad was here.. he said he would never have done any of that bad stuff if my dad washere. You know that really got to me.. Because this whole time what I was thinking was true. I know I;m messed up...And no I can;t go to a counsellor about this. I can;t tell someone I don;t know about something that I don;t understand. I guess this is pretty much everything. I just wanted you to know. But i could never have done this in person.